The chaos within

I twist and turn. My eyes look hither and thither. My thoughts meander and slowly drift afar until I pull them together. My breathing is chaotic..fast as if I am searching frantically for something; slow as if to assure that this too shall pass.

What is this? Is this for real or an illusion? Am i missing something? Is something amiss? Is this something that will fizzle out? Is the stress making me go bonkers?

Unsettled questions unsettling me.

Fascinated by resilience

I've been waiting to write this post ever since I saw the brilliant green twigs, brimming with life and vigour, against all odds and neglect.

The fascination begins with the word itself and how I relate myself to it. It describes me best. No bragging this one. Simply - "Knowing oneself".

This plant - Omam (that's how my parents call it) or Karpooravalli (as others call it) is the only one I had in my apartment. It keeps off bugs and pests. It helps my sinus headaches.

So much for my scientific knowledge. Let's come to its resilient story. A year ago, I placed it along with my neighbor's plants so that it would get a few drops of water. And i requested them to. However, it was not to be! Later, I saw that it was dried up and looked sorely neglected. They never watered it. Why? Because it was mine. (The same neighbors flagrantly usurped my more flamboyant asparagus!)

The couple of days I was at home, I dutifully watered it. When I left, I forgot to put it alongside with my neighbors'. It was too late before I realised my act of omission.

When I came back, I was in for a lush, green surprise! It survived well; in fact, beat the game of neglect! Resilience, at its best! Fascinated? It is mine! ;) :P

The week that was!

It's already been a week since I checked in to my apartment! Or maybe, on a different perspective, just a week!! And I've already had so much of sensory onslaught to deal wtih. So much to see, hear, smell, feel...so much that I choose to call it sensory onslaught. Not the most pleasant of things to experience and reminisce.

The first few hours were spent in wheeling out cobwebs in the living room. I did not dare to enter the other rooms until a few days later. The dust had settled into every nook and corner, every exposed space. How I wish te dust of  "my single existence" had settled down too! Well, that's grist for the mill. More of it, later.

The realisation that I was back in dystopia-land was imminent. A friend visited to help me cope with my coming home to an empty nest. I was happy at the prospect of having someone for company.  Better alone than bad company, it turned out. Not for me, one that cannot tolerate the positive energy.  Signal for weeding out bad friendships. 

I am not too kind with people who utter innuendoes or mean comments about my choice of friends or whom I admire n adore. I let my displeasure known n the fragile ego was broken. I cannot give you the love that you are looking for, my friend. You need to look for that love in your caste. That's the truth. When the ego is not pampered, it finds fault in everything - no salt in the food, intolerance to music, the list went on.  I am sorry but it is absolutely my world!! I would never insinuate into that personal space of any friend and I expect reciprocation. 

I could not take in this negativity and was relieved to see the friend leave..and the friendship along with it. Life is so full of life to negotiate with people shoving in their negativity.

I also had some pruning on social network pending for quite a while. Had to place restraint on people who were spamming my space. Especially someone who was offering unsolicited gyaan.  An azquaintance from school invited me to her place in the US. I was flummoxed at the invitation. I was never her friend. In fact, I loathed her, to be honest. She later tells me that she was concerned about me settling down in an alien country. She knew the pain! Well, why couldn't she fly down to my place and buy me a piece of property and I could have settled down very well! Why should I fly ( spend precious dollars) to visit her in another state? Maybe she had some home-consults in-waiting! Just like the way she wanted me to drive 200 miles to check her parents' eyes for cataract at their home in India?!  Just because she thinks she is high on the caste heirarchy! She misplaced my patience in dealing with her and I was sorry for her illusions and more apologetic that she is gonna raise her child perpetuating this toxic jaundice! I refuse to buy this ideology of superiority/inferiority of caste. She had the temerity to tell me that I misunderstood that she discriminated me based on my caste! Well, she stepped on raw nerve now... I said I gave nobody the right to discriminate me. period!  

That was just day 1 and 2 :) More cheer to come! :) :) :)