The chaos within

I twist and turn. My eyes look hither and thither. My thoughts meander and slowly drift afar until I pull them together. My breathing is chaotic..fast as if I am searching frantically for something; slow as if to assure that this too shall pass.

What is this? Is this for real or an illusion? Am i missing something? Is something amiss? Is this something that will fizzle out? Is the stress making me go bonkers?

Unsettled questions unsettling me.

Fascinated by resilience

I've been waiting to write this post ever since I saw the brilliant green twigs, brimming with life and vigour, against all odds and neglect.

The fascination begins with the word itself and how I relate myself to it. It describes me best. No bragging this one. Simply - "Knowing oneself".

This plant - Omam (that's how my parents call it) or Karpooravalli (as others call it) is the only one I had in my apartment. It keeps off bugs and pests. It helps my sinus headaches.

So much for my scientific knowledge. Let's come to its resilient story. A year ago, I placed it along with my neighbor's plants so that it would get a few drops of water. And i requested them to. However, it was not to be! Later, I saw that it was dried up and looked sorely neglected. They never watered it. Why? Because it was mine. (The same neighbors flagrantly usurped my more flamboyant asparagus!)

The couple of days I was at home, I dutifully watered it. When I left, I forgot to put it alongside with my neighbors'. It was too late before I realised my act of omission.

When I came back, I was in for a lush, green surprise! It survived well; in fact, beat the game of neglect! Resilience, at its best! Fascinated? It is mine! ;) :P

The week that was!

It's already been a week since I checked in to my apartment! Or maybe, on a different perspective, just a week!! And I've already had so much of sensory onslaught to deal wtih. So much to see, hear, smell, feel...so much that I choose to call it sensory onslaught. Not the most pleasant of things to experience and reminisce.

The first few hours were spent in wheeling out cobwebs in the living room. I did not dare to enter the other rooms until a few days later. The dust had settled into every nook and corner, every exposed space. How I wish te dust of  "my single existence" had settled down too! Well, that's grist for the mill. More of it, later.

The realisation that I was back in dystopia-land was imminent. A friend visited to help me cope with my coming home to an empty nest. I was happy at the prospect of having someone for company.  Better alone than bad company, it turned out. Not for me, one that cannot tolerate the positive energy.  Signal for weeding out bad friendships. 

I am not too kind with people who utter innuendoes or mean comments about my choice of friends or whom I admire n adore. I let my displeasure known n the fragile ego was broken. I cannot give you the love that you are looking for, my friend. You need to look for that love in your caste. That's the truth. When the ego is not pampered, it finds fault in everything - no salt in the food, intolerance to music, the list went on.  I am sorry but it is absolutely my world!! I would never insinuate into that personal space of any friend and I expect reciprocation. 

I could not take in this negativity and was relieved to see the friend leave..and the friendship along with it. Life is so full of life to negotiate with people shoving in their negativity.

I also had some pruning on social network pending for quite a while. Had to place restraint on people who were spamming my space. Especially someone who was offering unsolicited gyaan.  An azquaintance from school invited me to her place in the US. I was flummoxed at the invitation. I was never her friend. In fact, I loathed her, to be honest. She later tells me that she was concerned about me settling down in an alien country. She knew the pain! Well, why couldn't she fly down to my place and buy me a piece of property and I could have settled down very well! Why should I fly ( spend precious dollars) to visit her in another state? Maybe she had some home-consults in-waiting! Just like the way she wanted me to drive 200 miles to check her parents' eyes for cataract at their home in India?!  Just because she thinks she is high on the caste heirarchy! She misplaced my patience in dealing with her and I was sorry for her illusions and more apologetic that she is gonna raise her child perpetuating this toxic jaundice! I refuse to buy this ideology of superiority/inferiority of caste. She had the temerity to tell me that I misunderstood that she discriminated me based on my caste! Well, she stepped on raw nerve now... I said I gave nobody the right to discriminate me. period!  

That was just day 1 and 2 :) More cheer to come! :) :) :)   

La bicicleta n more deja vu, mucho más

Puedo ser feliz

Caminando relajada entre la gente

Yo te quiero así

Y me gustas porque eres diferente

La que yo guardo donde te escribí

Que te sueño y que te quiero tanto

Que hace rato está mi corazón

Latiendo por ti, latiendo por ti

How strange but true..these words of La Bicicleta seem like deja vu! The song captures the essence of my being and state of happiness. I have always been a happy person. Sometimes I've been questioned, "How could you be so happy? It cannot be not normal". Whatever, I continue to be happy..I know to handle my level of happiness...set it free and unleashed!  :) yo me quiero asi 

N I have this small e-note where I write unposted letters... where I write down what I dream, what I love and why I love so much! mi corazón latiendo por ti, latiendo por ti  Yo me quiero asi, yo te quiero asi.

My romantic idea of my tryst with the bicycle goes further..I had signed up for a bicycle trip in the Oriental even before I ventured on this trip..the song comes to remind me that it's time for my upcoming bicycle trip in a laidback country where time moves with the sun and not with the watch! The lens' tryst with the bicycle at New York..N then the boss introduces us to La Bicicleta...life is strange, like Paulo Coelho's Alchemist. N I am hooked to it, on a never-ending loop ;)

A mí manera, descomplicado

En una bici que me lleva a todos lados

Life could get complicated but can always be uncomplicated when we choose to be honest and happy! :) 

The Sense(lessness) of Belonging(s)

Sense of belonging - it is the nth sense. Something akin to umami. It lends the unfathomable flavor to life.  However heartfelt the feeling may be, it is still intangible. It doesn't come from where you are born. It doesn't come from where you live. It comes from where you feel your worth. It is where you feel  liberated to seek your true worth. That is where you belong; the sense of belonging belongs  there. And that is, anywhere and, everywhere!

Belongings  - senseless! Like the dowry people fight over. The manic maniacs who are obsessed with the greed to possess the riches! The possessed! Whose belongings are those anyway? Theirs? Nope!  It is, in fact, much ado about "nothing". In the struggle to usurp anon's belongings, it is easy to crush another's sense of belonging.  The longing to belong starts thence. The self takes a drubbing. Therein lies the rub...rubbing salt into the wound. This hitherto unknown sense becomes conspicuous by its absence!

Remember, you never belonged there, in the first place! So long to belong but never for the belongings! ;)

¡No sé por qué!

No sé por qué... ¿Qué?

No sé por qué siento lo que hago.

No sé por qué no me siento nada, a veces. Y me siento todo, a veces. ¿Por qué siento todo? No sé por qué me siento lo que la otra persona se siente!

¿Porque veo todo? ¿Estoy viendo mucho demasiado? ¡No, no otra vez!

Quiero dejar de ver. Quiero dejar de verlos que me da dolor. Quiero dejar de pensar. 

No sé. Simplemente no quiero saber. 

Quiero paz..paz conmigo mismo. Quiero que todo el mundo contento. 

Voy a ir a pintar ahora. Todo lo que sé es esto. ¡Así es soy!

Not every friend remains a friend

No, not even the best of the lot! I was shocked the first time this truth hit me. And it came in when I was going through the worst upheaval of my life. It was sickening to know what a sadist she turned out to be. 

She coated her chirpy conversations with fine glaze. It was just the icing on the cake. Ignorant of the intentions that lurked beneath the cloak of this supposedly understanding friend, I shared my numerous joys and miniscule doses of unhappiness with her.

She chose to let me soak in my happiness alone but she kept track of me. She pitched in with her efforts to glean every detail of my unhappiness. She shared her happy milestones with me. Yes, milestones they were because otherwise, she didn't surface. It was her self-effacing way to show off. I was genuinely happy for her, as I did even for the faintest acquaintance.

It wasn't that simple. The glaze chipped away once, and I saw through it all.  She repayed a gift with one of similar worth. She didn't have to. So, she was keeping track. Friends don't do that. It wore me down by its weight. Too heavy an emotion to describe! There is so much to read between the lines, which I guess only she would understand. I know she would be  reading this. (I hope you get it, mi amiga! )

She has this uncanny knack of hitting at the most tender spot. Unfortunately for her, that's where my gut feeling arises. N i could see her smirking at what she believed was giving me searing pain. She reads this bit of my (s)crap-space in the virtual world and concocts her own impressions of what is on my mind. So I decided to take the bait and play my own game.  She gets her refills of sadistic amusement and I, mine, whenever she texts me out of the blue.

 It hurt to see that she was waiting all the years to see me lose. Lose, I did, a friend! 

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